Mad World
by Fancy-Hart
Summary: I wanted to attempt a realistic view of self harm and mental health issues in a serious adult relationship. (Miranda/Andy) (AU) If you have any ideas or advice, regardless of your experience with these issues, please let me know. I want to do his justice. Thank you.
1. Chapter 1

She sighed as the blood finally ceased drumming in her ears and the tension in her body bled away. If she had thought she would be here 5 years ago she – well she wouldn't have thought she would end up here. Here being the bathroom she shared with her ex-boss turned partner, who was currently downstairs waiting for her; as she finished her little act of debauchery.

It had seldom crossed her mind to inform Miranda just what her beloved girlfriend did on the frequent trips to the bathroom, and even more seldom were the questions put towards Andy.

She finished dressing her wounds and replaced the lid on the home made first aid kit. It was a twisted box, layer one to cause the harm, layer two to curb the damage. As she put it back in its subtle hiding place beneath the sink, she couldn't help but catch a glimpse of her reflection in the rusting in of the box. It was weird, she _looked_ the same, but everything else felt different inside. The mash up of emotions spewing in her chest were too large to be contained inside, surely there must be a mark beside the ones she made herself, that would hint to the ache she felt. _Surely_ it was tattooed on her forehead.

She left the bathroom, remembering to flush the toilet as she left, in order for those seldom questions to remain seldom.

She smiled as she saw the other woman, donned in silk two piece pajamas, on the setee waiting for her, the show paused at the start screen

"Ok?" she asked

"Yea" Andy smiled and sat down, leaning to wrap herself around the older woman as she finally relaxed. It was the final step of the ritual, it always ended with Miranda- just as it had all started with her.


	2. Chapter 2

It was hard to be the other woman to Andrea's- what should she call it? _Quirk? Addiction? _ Neither seemed to fit, one too dramatic and the other to mundane. It was hard to describe what it felt like not knowing which of the times Andrea excused herself, the bathroom was being used for intended purposes or for a chance to partake in the sordid past time again. She could always tell afterward. They had scented soap, if Andrea didn't smell of soap she wasn't peeing. And if she wasn't peeing she was bleeding. There are many fear that come with the knowledge that a loved one is self-harming, especially when it's your partner. If she was her mother she could force the young woman to see a counsellor, a psychiatrist, a doctor, a surgeon, anyone who might be able to help. If she was a sister she could plead not wanting to lose someone she spent her whole life growing up next to. If she was a friend she could use their friendship as a bargaining chip and if she lost, well friends are the one kind of relationship that are made and broken and can still survive. Miranda was in the least powerful position, she was in a romantic relationship with the woman who chose to cut rather than talk. And that meant she had the most to lose. Not only if the unthinkable happened, and a slip occurred leading to a knicked artery, or reusing old instruments or wounds being infected. She was very aware that if she spoke too harshly, demanded too much, moved to quickly she could lose her, and she was far too used to having this young girl, she wasn't ready to give her up.


	3. Chapter 3

The programme came to an end and was dutifully switched off. Both women remained as they were. A few minutes of silence  
>"Where?"<br>Andy moved her head to look the older in her eyes.  
>"Where?" she repeated<br>"Hip" she looked down at her hands  
>"How long between this time and the one before?"<br>Andy shrugged, Miranda waited. The silence resumed, until Miranda sighed and placed her hand on top of Andrea's  
>"Do you feel better"<br>"no"  
>"then why-" Miranda cut herself off knowing this train of thought would merely cause arguments and more aggravation for the brunette.<br>"May I see?"  
>"Mirand-"<br>"Please?"  
>Andy stood in front of the setee and rolled the pyjama bottoms down past her hips to the top her thigh where the agitated lines contrasted deeply with her pale skin.<br>"Did you tend to them properly?"  
>"Yes, Savlon – I'm running low"<br>"Low? We only bough-"Andy turned her head from the sitting woman  
>"I will have Emily pick some up, the girls are camping in two weeks, and she will assume it is for them"<br>Andy nodded.  
>"Can we go to bed now?"<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

They both proceeded with their nightly rituals. Washing, teeth brushing, and in Andy's case, hair plaiting. Miranda finished first, turned off the main lamp, climbed into bed and turned the bedside lamp off, waiting on Andy to finish her hair. Once she had completed the plait, Andy tied it with a bobble, turned off her lamp and fell under the covers.

They both lay in silence and darkness. Regurgitating the day.

Andy subconsciously began to rub at her hip. Miranda reached over and took her hand.

"They won't heal, leave them to scab over"

Andy did not reply, however did as Miranda wished and left the small injuries alone.

"Can you tell me why?"

"No"

"No you can't or no you won't?"

"I can't"

"Can you try?" she asked in a soft voice

Andy was getting anxious, why couldn't the editor leave it alone!?

"Miran-"

"Look I have been walking on egg shells ever since this bomb was dropped on me, and so far I have been forgiving. You didn't tell me I had to find out. I offered counsellors, you refuse to go. I try to remove the utensils, you buy more. I ask to talk, you remain quiet and refuse to say anything. It is getting very old very quickly."

"I'm sorry"

"Don't apologise just talk to me"

"I don't know what to say"

"Anything. When did it start? Why did it start, How do I help? How do we get you to stop?"

"We?"

Miranda moved to the middle of the bed and reached for the slim woman in the dark

"We – you and I, you are not alone, I am here to help, but you need to start talking to me, relying on me. I cannot help if you shut me out, and that hurts more than you know, watching someone you love suffer so obviously, but too stubborn to ask for your help"

"I'm sorry"

"Stop apologising, I am not angry, I just need to make you see"

The two lay huddled together in silence. Just when Miranda had thought the darkness had claimed Andy, the young writer spoke

"It's like a black hole"

Miranda shifted

"Like there's a gaping hole in my stomach and it's so vast and empty that I could be sucked into it, and its full of sadness and despair and outright pain, and all I can do is feel physical pain to take away from the emotional, because I can fix that, I can ease the physical pain, but I don't know how to get rid of this blanket, this ocean of, of, of –"

Andy was unable to think of the word.

"Depression" came the soft whisper

"Yes." Andy suddenly felt a little less heavy.

Then with a voice of sudden timid clarity she whispered a sentence her bed partner would never forget.

"Miranda? I think I am depressed."

The older woman said nothing as she held the crying woman, she whispered nonsense into her ear as she fell into slumber. "First step darling" "You'll be fine" "We'll be fine" "Shhhh" "Well done"

Her last thoughts before Miranda fell asleep were "Finally, now we're getting somewhere" She had been waiting on this, Knowing that Andy would have to break down repeatedly before they found a coping mechanism wing that the silence and bottled up emotions would break eventually. And finally it had arrived. She knew it was a good step in the right direction. She also knew the two of them had a long way to go yet.


	5. Chapter 5

When Miranda awoke Andy had already risen, she felt the side of the bed and found warmth, and the young woman hadn't been up too long. She turned as she heard the toilet flush and the bathroom door open. Andy turned the light off and got into bed. The women remained silent.

"I was just peeing"

"I didn-"

"You didn't have to" explained Andrea, "It's always there on your face, looking at me for a hint of which liquid I discarded this time"

There was no reply to that.

"How are you feeling?"

"I think I needed last night" she moved into her partners arms, Miranda reciprocated the hug. "I have been selfish. I did not consider what I was putting you through, or the girls. They may not know what, but they no something is up, and that uncertainty is not something I want to taint their home life with." She steeled herself for the next part. "I wanted to apologise to you, I know you said not to last night, but I need to. I am sorry for the awful thoughts that have gone through your head. I have no idea how I would manage had the roles been reversed. I know I could never make it up to you, just know that I love you and I am ashamed of what I have put you through, please forgive me"

The editor held the woman closer. And trailed few kisses on her cheek and bare neck, then simply lay with her chin resting on the brunette's head

"You can"

"huh?"

"You can make it up to me, itll be hard but you can do it"

"Wha-?"

"Allow me to help you stop."

"Miranda I don't thi-"

"Oh no, you don't that's the problem. You want to make it up to me and the girls, well here is your chance." She calmed herself before speaking again. "Andrea, I am not saying go cold turkey, I am telling you I will be there for you, every step of the way and even after. If you will not do it for yourself, then for me, the girls."

"That's a lot to ask Miranda"

"You have asked a lot of me these past months, I believe this is only fair"

Guilt flickered across the young writer's face "I'm sorry"

"Don't tell me, show me"

Again there was silence, for half an hour the two pyjama clad women lay beneath the covers and let the world pass by. Miranda slowly drawing lazy circles on Andy's arm.

"OK"

"Ok?" Mianda looked down into her lover's eyes

"If you will help me, then I'll do it"  
>"Oh Andy –"<p>

"But you need to be patient, and I will need your help"

"Of course! Anything you need."

"Ok I will – I will try"

"Darling" She kissed the brunette "thank you, my brave darling." She got out of the bed and walked around to the stationary woman's side, passing she placed a quick kiss on her head "I'll go get the pamphlets" and proceeded downstairs.


	6. Chapter 6

When she returned to the bedroom again, Miranda had a silver tray with two mugs of steaming coffee and a pile of multi coloured, various sized pamphlets. Andy felt bile rise in her throat.

"Relax, I'm here, we'll go through it together"

Andy weakly smiled, she sat up and arranged the cushion in a comfortable fashion against the headboard as Miranda got into the other side of the bed and passed her a mug of the hot liquid.

"Right how do you want to do this? We can lay them on the bed and look through them, or I can read the highlights and you can say yay or nay" at this Andy opened her mouth "But nay must have an acceptable reason" The young girl bowed her head and nodded.

Miranda reached between them and placed her hand on top of the smoother one, she give it a squeeze.

"I'll put them on the bed and we can go from there"

She laid out the rainbow of papers. Once the pamphlets were all laid out and visible, Miranda looked at her young lover and smiled encouragingly, "go ahead"

Andy picked up one closer to her.

"Samaritans. They have a 24 hour call line?"

"Means you can call them anytime, you don't need to wait and if for some reason you can't contact me – they'll be there"

Andy looked panicked

"My phone will always be on ring 24/7 and if it's off, it's because I'm here in our house with you. I will not leave you alone to do this. But if there is a time when you can't talk to me because of any reason, they will be there. For those moments when it's too hard to speak to me, a calm voice will be on the phone"

This seemed to soothe Andy. "Ok, put it in the keep pile. Now, pick another one"

The next one Andy picked up was for CAMHS. "This is just children and adolescents Miranda"

"Oh yes, I know, I wanted to show you the inside of the leaflet, it has ideas on how to distract you when you feel the urge, and has a little calendar you can fill out of all the days you make it without you know" the editor trailed off and looked at more of the leaflets on the bed. Andy looked at her partner for a few minutes.

"Say it"

"hmm?" Miranda looked up from the pamphlets she had been fiddling with

"Say it"

"Say what"

"Say self-harm, say my wife self-harms"

"Why? I know you do and you know you do"

"Do what?"

"Andrea..."

"No, if you can't say it how do you propose to be there to help me?"

Miranda sighed, the word is so harsh, can't they find a euphemism for it? Something a bit less –"

"Truthful?" cut in Andy. "It is called what it is, no if ands but or ribbons. It would be too easy to hide behind"

"When did you become the strong one?" chuckled Miranda

"If I were strong we would not be doing this right now"

"You are not weak, this does not make you weak, I didn't mean to imply that. Self-harm is because you cannot express pain – not because you are too weak to handle it."

Andy smiled, "You said it"

"Yes well, let's continue"

Andy picked up a purpled covered pamphlet "Rowan Sexual assault Referral Centre, Miranda what-"

"Oh I forgot I had those, sorry"

"What do you need those for?" The brunette's eyes widened "Oh no, please tell-"

"Hush now, darling I picked them up simply because I did not know then what we needed to deal with. This is a common reaction to addiction, abuse or mental health issues. I would never lift a hand to you, and I have never seen you intoxicated, but there are many years in your life I was not by your side."

To the older woman's relief Andy scanned the pile and removed the Nexus Sexual Abuse; CAT Addictions team AA anonymous team and Victims of domestic violence pamphlets and gave them to her, "I don't need these".


	7. Chapter 7

The women continued shuffling through the various leaflets.

"Miranda?"

"Hmm?" she looked up from her current pamphlet – Life Line and hummed around the coffee cup she had to her lips as she sipped the addictive liquid.

"How do you know so much about – this?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, it's just not the kind of thing you expect a lot of people to know, and you seem to know a lot"

"Least of all a fashion editor?

"Well-"

"What if it was me? What if you were to find out that I was causing myself deliberate harm? You'd learn all you could in order to help me overcome that wouldn't you?"

An hour later and all the decisions had been made. Andy would use CareCall, who would be available to meet her wherever was needed, and at the insistence of her wife, she kept the pocketsize lifeline card in her purse so that no matter where or when there was always someone to talk to.

"Right, now that that's done" She leant over to the slim woman and kissed her "I am headed for a shower" She entered the bathroom, turned on the light and began to disrobe. She was startled to hear the door close behind her.

"Andy?"

The ex-assistant had put a stop to Miranda seeing her body, even going as far as to change in the bathroom, it was one of the signs that had made Miranda aware that something was up.

"Can I join you?"

"Of course darling, if you're sure"

"I figure, if we follow that CAHMS card, I have to show you them anyway. And it has been so long since we –"

"You don't have to justify being close to me" as the elder woman kidded her and slowly began to undress her, maintaining eye contact, she then turned, took her hand and led her into the shower where they washed in comfortable silence. Miranda turned in order for Andy to wash her hair,

"You can look"

Miranda turned back again.

"I mean if they're too horrible to look at I can keep them covered."

Miranda sighed. "I am not avoiding looking at them because they offend me, I am avoiding staring at them. These marks aren't you, they are a part of you and I do not wish to make you uncomfortable. Let's get out and we can talk"

Silence resumed as they washed themselves and their hair and stepped out. Once they were dried and hair towel wrapped, they both sat on the end of the bed wrapped in their bath robes.

"I would like to see if you are still comfortable enough to show me. You don't have to."

"I'd like to be able to make love with he lights on again. And walk around the house in short sleeves and get changed in my own bedroom and not _hide_ anymore."

"Well this is something we need to discuss. What happens in our bedroom is between you and I no one else. However we do need to discuss whether we will tell the girls or not. This is a big thing and I do not know if telling them is right."

"So you want me to remain hidden from the girls, lie to them?

"I didn't say that!"

"No you just don't want me to be honest with them"

"Well it didn't stop you before."

Andy flinched like she had been slapped. "That was so uncalled for."

"Is it though? How long was this going on before I found out? How much longer would it have continued if I hadn't walked in on you in the shower that morning? How long?! Until one of the girls walked in on you half dead because you nicked an artery, or you forget to pull your sleeve down one day?"

"This is why I didn't tell you – I knew you wouldn't understand!"

"Look if you'd wanted attention love, could you not have developed an eating disorder – I would have saved on food bills"

Andy blinked. Miranda looked shocked at the words that had come frm her agape mouth. "Andrea, oh honey I'm sorry, I did-"

"Don't touch me, don't."

"Please, I am sorry"

"This was not for attention. I do not need attention. Surely one of you leaflets or books told you that?" She sighed and began to walk towards the bedroom door. "It started when you and I were going through that rough patch and we didn't know if we would make it. It helped me to focus. It made breathing easier. I would have told you eventually, I think."


	8. Chapter 8

Miranda stared at the closed bedroom door. She's done it now. She had read the pamphlets, the websites, the books; she knew this was not an attention thing, and she knew belittling the whole thing was not the way to help. She sighs as she began to get ready for the day.

Down stairs Andrea was waiting for her coffee. She needed the release, the addicting endorphins that would swallow her whole as she endured the pain she created for herself. She hadn't her normal utensils, she had only ever done it with slicing her skin. She checked the cutlery drawer – only butter knives. Suddenly the whistling of the kettle drew her attention. It was crazy but maybe – Agh! The pain gave way to an adrenaline rush, the feeling of euphoria that she normally achieved with the spilling of precious red liquid, she did again, this time unable to supress the high pitched squeal. The Pain! Just when she thought she would pass out she removed her arm from the steam. The stress from a few minutes ago had elevated, she could think clearly now that the clouds were gone, now it was ok, everything was fine. She heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Andrea?" called Miranda as she came down from dressing, "I wanted to apologise to you, I know I shouldn't have lost my temper I – What are you doing?"

The brunette whipped round "Nothing?"

"Your arm! Let me see"

"No"

"Andrea don't be childish, show me"

"Why?" asked the young woman as she cradled her arm to her chest

"Because I want to help"

"No you want me to have an eating disorder"

The white haired woman looked ashamed "I did not mean that and you knw it, I should not have lost my temper, and I am sorry, let me help you, please?" She gave a small smile as the taller woman gave her arm in submission, she gasped "Oh Andrea"

"Please don't."

"Ok, I won't I promise. Put it under the cold water"

Afterwards when the burn was wrapped and hd cream placed on it, the two were sitting on the setee in the living room when Miranda piped up.

"Why did you change *cough* instruments?"

"Didn't have my stuff"

"Oh"

The silence continued

"Will you continue this way?"

"I doubt it"

"Ok"

"Have you thought about this way before?"

"Miranda – what is it you're really trying to ask?"  
>"I don't know what you mean – "<p>

"Bleeding hell, quit beating around the bush and tell me!"

"The literature says a change in *clears throat* self-harm style can mean a change in mind set and that it can prelude to worse injuries."

"That is not so in this case"

"How do you know? The literature says –"

"I know Miranda, because I know me"

"That may be, but the literature says-"

"Miranda give up about the literature please. Just accept you will not understand the reason why, or how it makes me both calmer and gives me adrenaline at the same time, how it both pains and relieves my pain, how I hate it and love it and how it is so addicting, you cannot. Stop using free fliers to try and get into my head."

"You are my _wife_. I do not need fliers to get into your head, I used to be able to do that anyway. You shut me out, and won't let me in anymore. And you snipe at me for trying to fight my way back in?

Andrea put her head in her hands and mumbled something intelligent

"You don't want to be in here

"Why not?"

Miranda moved closer to her younger wife

"I don't want to be in here and it's _my_ head. I don't like it, or understand it. It's a messy, a scary confusing mess that makes no sense and I feel like I am not in control over my own mind. I feel like one day my mind will decide to kill my body and I will not have the strength to say no, even though I don't want to, I may be forced to, and that terrifies me beyond words. I don't know how to make it stop."


	9. Chapter 9

Well there wasn't much the white haired woman could say to that. As cliché as it was, her wife was standing in front of her and yet she was powerless to save the brunette. So she did what she felt she could do, nothing.

"Perhaps we should just leave it, is there any point? Let's just-"

"What? Are you – Are we?"

"I mean this conversation, let's leave the conversation, before it becomes _that_"

"Andrea Sachs that is far from-"

"Oh my maiden name, I'm in trouble now!" The younger of the two smirked and noticed a distinct lack of responding humour, she looked up at her wife

"That is emotional blackmail and I shall not stand for it."

"Huh?"  
>"You will not threaten to dissolve our marriage just so you have an out when dealing with the bad stuff"<p>

"_Stuff?! _DO my ears deceive me?"

"Andrea" growled Miranda. "Humour will not dissuade me from talking through this with you"

The brunette looked guilty. "Why don't you talk to me about it, hmm? Tell me why you do it?" A look was given "perhaps not"

"It's not that I won't Miranda, it's just that I can't, I don't really know myself"

"Well can you tell me when it started?"

"I already told you"

"Yes but I want to know what makes such a brilliant mind as yours do something so, so –"

"Crazy?"

"Well" after a slight pause the white haired woman looked into her wife's eyes, "yes"

"Ok, but I need you to stay quiet, to let me finish and don't ask questions, can you do that for me?"

"Anything" She moved closer to her young wife

"And Miranda?"

"Darling?" She reached for the brunette's hand

"Please don't cry?"

"I –"

"Miranda if you cry it will hurt me more and I won't be able to finish I need you to be the strong one for this, then, afterwards you can break down, but I need to finish it and it might not seem particularly emotional or hard to you, but this is something that is hard for me, something you will I hope never understand, just hold my hand and let me lean on you for a few minutes. Ok?"

The editor swallowed, she squeezed the hand in her own "OK"

"Well it was back when the kids were in college after Christmas, and we were constantly fighting, and then that whole thing with that Mr Potts happened, with his wife and…."


	10. Chapter 10

They had been married just over a year. It wasn't' a fairy-tale, or even a rom-com type romance, but it was real and they loved each other. Hence why they got married. They had their ups and downs just like any other couple however there was the additional bonus of being thrust in the public spotlight just as their teenage daughters had adolescence cupping at their bosoms and playing finger paints on their faces. Emotions were high, and not just for those in puberty. For the past few weeks the two women had barely seen each other, save a quick hello and goodbye. There was a new issue due for Miranda, and for Andrea, she was writing in a city that never sleeps, why would one believe those reporting on it would? But tonight they had a gala, tonight they would wine and dine with the elite of m

Manhattan and they would come home and go to bed together

Andrea had just arrived home, she was late and Miranda was in a strop. She was placing the finishing touches on her makeup when he heard the door close signalling her wife's entrance.

"Nice of you to join us _darling"_ she called down

"Sorry I'm late!"

Andrea did not hear the elder woman's muttering until she was further up the flight of stairs.

"Useless, I ask one thing and she can't even do that right, what happened, she get lost between here and the office?"

"You better be talking about your assistant _loveI"_ the brunette growled, so she was late, but she had arrived and there was still plenty of time!

Miranda turned from the mirror "Actually, Emily made it on time, she knows her job"

Andrea's eyes squinted in anger. "Her job?! Well bully for her – I am so glad I am not your employee, just your wife!" she threw her hands in the air and stormed off to the wardrobe that held the outfit specifically chosen for this occasion

"As am I" drawled Miranda, "no more having to put up with sub-average work and less than desirable time keeping"

Andrea remerged with her dress now on, in the process of zipping it up. "Maybe not but I still have to put up with a narcasistic, evil drama queen"

_"Excuse me?"_ Tee editor used the voice that had brought many assistants to tears, and if Andrea had still been in an employer/employee relationship with the white haired woman, she admitted she'd probably have succumbed to the panic, but no longer, she was this woman's wife that made her an equal, or at least in theory,.

"You heard me!" Andrea again proceeded in to the room, this time to find her shoes, Miranda followed behind her.

"Well if you have such a problem, maybe you should fix it"

"Andrea twirled to face the white haired woman. "If you want a divorce sweetheart, just ask. You've never had trouble doing that before"

Miranda's jaw fell open at the words. Andrea knew how she had suffered each time a marriage had failed. She closed her mouth in time to watch Andrea walk past her and into the bathroom.

"I need to do my make up, I will see you in the car." And for the first time in over twelve months, she locked the bathroom door behind her, in a nonverbal threat for the editor to _stay out. _

Miranda was already in the car and waiting when Andrea finally made it downstairs, dressed and presentable. Roy drove them to the gala in silence.

They slipped on the façade just in time to enter into the large ballroom, no one here need no that her wife had pretty much asked for a divorce. Andrea wanted to scream, instead she shook hands with the obnoxious, exchanged conversations with the rude and danced with the sleazy. "What it mean to be the 4th MR Preiestly" she thought.

"Now who is this beautiful creature?"  
>Andrea turned and came face to face with her wife's doppelganger. A few pounds heavier, slightly taller, eyes not as expressive and a little younger, but it caused her to take a double take.<p>

"Hi" she gave the woman an air kiss

"Sweetheart, please tell me you bat for the right team?"

"haha, if you are asking me about my sexuality madam, I am very much interested in women"

Andrea tried to hold back her cringe and rolling eyes, if the woman wasn't so damn important to Miranda, she'd have exercised her right to drown this woman in her wine.

The older woman's eyebrow raised, and she gave Andrea the one over again

"Come, I wish to talk to you" Andrea smiled half heartedly and let herself be led to a small, dimly lit table in the corner of the room.

"I suppose I should introduce myself" a hand was thrust into the brunette's. "I'm Katherine, Katherine Potts"


	11. Chapter 11

Miranda was not unaware of her wife being led to the back of the room by Mrs "Kate" Potts, she was also not unaware of this woman's explicit sexual history. She and her husband were each other's beards, why they remained married was unknown – unlike the fact each had slept with over half of Manhattans up and comers.

She did not like her wife being alone with this woman. She shifted her weight slightly so she could peer over the shoulder of the politician muttering on about something or other, and watch the interaction between the two women.

Her hands clenched as she watched that floozy run her fingers along her wife's cheek. She realised in the brief lull of the droning voice that a question had been asked of her, she looked at the bore in front of her. She would not admit that she had been caught unaware, instead she smiled, nodded slightly and excused herself and stepped around the dreary man. In doing so, her line of view towards her wife was no longer interrupted nor the view of that long finger with gaudy nail polish at the tip, twirling in a curly design on the inside of her wife's wrist. "How dare that cretin touch anything that belonged to her? She watched as Mrs Potts stood up and gestured towards her wife with the intentions of asking her to dance. She smirked to herself, this woman was about to be turned down. Andrea never danced at these things, Miranda asked every time, and every time she was given a bashful shake of the head. They danced together; very often they would hold each other and sway in the privacy of their bedroom while soft candlelight and equally less than harsh music accompanied them. However the only time anyone other than themselves had been privy to this sight was on their wedding day. Miranda looked upon this as something only they shared. As selfish as it was, she had to share Andreas love with the twins, her days with the young woman's work, and her beauty with the world. Her dancing however? That was all Miranda's.

Which is why the pain took her breath away as Andrea stood and followed this woman to the dance floor.


	12. Chapter 12

Andrea couldn't breathe, her hands were sweating and her heart was pounding in her chest. Not in a good way either. She was not aroused, she was grossed out and just plain uncomfortable. It _would_ be her luck that one of the most influential people in New York had taken an unrequited liking to her. This woman could control enough of Manhattan to bring Runway to a stop- Miranda would probably let the woman bed her if it meant she could keep her job.

Her stomach dropped when she saw her wife's face.

She hadn't wanted to dance, she hadn't wanted to sit and she had not wanted to have a drink with this woman but damn it, how could she know? Caught between the divil and the deep blue sea she was.

She tried not to squirm away as the intoxicated woman placed Andreas hand on her hip, and then placed hers on the brunets shoulder. "You having fun dear?"

"Yes Mrs Potts"

"Please, Andrea, Kate"

"Only if you call me Andy" she forced a smile.

She heard a cough and turned to see her wife's eyes. "Andrea, I would like to leave now"

"Of course Miranda" she smiled, her wife had come to her rescue, she made to leave, but was pulled back

"Surely you can find your way home?" Miranda turned sharply

"Yes she can, she finds it with me in our car that goes to our home with _our _children sleeping in it"

Mrs Potts held tighter to her wrist

"She has children with you, she is not your child, I will insure she gets home"

"You will do no such thing-"

"Excuse me!" interrupted Andrea as she finally broke free of the woman's grasp, she rubbed her bruising wrist, and noticed how her wife's eyes flickered to it, then to Mrs Potts – she needed to think fast.

"Mrs – Kate, you have been very gracious, but I promised the children I would see them once I returned, and I have an early morning, I must go"

"Hmm" The woman in question continued to stare at Miranda "I cannot tell you how disappointed I am deary, nevertheless, I shall see you again" She kissed Andreas wrist, and smirked at the growl that was heard from Miranda. She eyed the white haired woman up and down, and with a swish of her dress left them standing there. Miranda looked her wife in the eye, cleared her throat and turned to leave.

They were in the car before either spoke again

"Thank you for rescuing me" smiled Andrea, she turned back to her window.

"It did not look like you wanted rescued at all, I was afraid I was….interrupting something"

Andrea turned from the window, mouth agape to stare at her wife. "w-what?" The editor said nothing, but turned to watch the unidentifiable shadowed shapes they passed.

"Miranda you can't really believe-"

"I don't _believe_ anything, I saw what I saw, there's nothing to it"

"Yes there is, yes there is, so much more"

"Oh?" She turned to look at her younger wife "_More_?" Andrea knew what she was hinting at

"Miranda, stop, you know what I mean"

The car came to a stop, and Miranda exited, as she turned to close the door she leant in to her wife, "What I know Andrea, is that you are not sleeping with me tonight" with that the door closed and she was gone, leaving Andrea to wonder whether this was the end of the beginning – or the beginning of the end.


	13. Chapter 13

Miranda looked at the young brunette. She recalled that time with the greatest of ease and pain. She was so sure the marriage was going to end she had begun to mentally divide the girls' holidays between herself, their father and Andrea.

She could not only sympathise but empathise with the woman in front of her, but she could not see how this led to the scars that now adorned the woman's legs.

Andrea saw Miranda's confusion. "I knew you wouldn't get it"

"I suppose I never will"

"I am glad"

"oh?"

"I would never want you to go through this"

"I would if it meant you didn't have to" The brunette gave a small smile and dropped her head to her hands again. Silence roamed the room.

"Darling?"

"Hmmm?" she brought her head from her hands and looked at the white haired woman.

"I understand that was stressful, but I cannot see how you went from that to – " she broke off not knowing how to finish her question.

Andrea sighed, and rubbed the back of her neck. "That night when we came back and I was in the guest room, I could' sleep. I tried everything, warm milk, shot of whiskey, shower, book anything really. But I couldn't get my mind to switch off. I knew we'd been fighting far more than average couples, and now this, I, I was so sure it was over, and I couldn't handle it. I wanted to run to you and I couldn't I was so panicked I didn't realise I had smashed my water glass in my hand and the pain hit me. I remember looking down and it was amazing" The younger woman looked at her right hand, and slowly traced the scar with her left. It was so intoxicating, my senses were heightened, I stopped thinking about the pain, and Miranda it was sooo pretty" she smiled dreamily. "The contrast of the vicious vital red, along the white skin, you should have seen it Mir, it was simply breath-taking"

She was making Miranda nervous.

"Andrea" the brunette continued to stare at her hand, lost in a dream state "so pretty" she mumbled

"Andrea!" she swiped he hands apart, the younger woman jumped out of her state and looked at her wife.

"Sorry"

She cleared her throat and looked away. Silence again reigned. Miranda was battling with something, Andrea could see it in her eyes. She looked at her wife and waited. Miranda steeled herself before taking Andrea's hands in her own, and looking in her eyes. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before speaking.

"Do it to me"

"What?" Andrea looked at her quizzically"

"Cut me."


	14. Chapter 14

"I cannot believe you just said that…w-w- is this your idea of some sick joke?"

The brunette stood up and began pacing the room

"Andr-"

"I mean seriously, what the hell?! You think this is some sort of fashion statement!?"

The younger woman's voice was shrill, she continued to pace.

"Andrea will you calm down and let me explain!"

Andrea stopped where she was and turned to face her wife, arms folded against her bosom, she said nothing. Miranda took a shaky breath, stood up and made her way to the other woman.

"I simply want to understand"

Andrea moved as if to speak, the editor put her hand up to stop her "Let me finish please" a nod was the only indication she had been heard. "When I see you…hurting, it makes me hurt. I feel as though you have taken that instrument and pushed it right into my heart. I would be pained any time you or the girls were harmed, but that you do it to yourself- brings so much agony to my chest I wonder how I breathe sometimes. Perhaps it's selfish, but I want you to do to me, what you do to yourself. If you love me half as much as I think you do, you'll understand what this is like for me and maybe then….maybe-"

"I'll stop?" Andrea turned her back on the white haired woman. "You sick bitch" Miranda looked up at this, she was confused. Andrea continued "You talk about me using emotional blackmail? What the fuck? You're right it is selfish, and totally unfair of you to ask. Tell me Miranda – would you quit runway for me?"

"That is not even remotely the same!"

"No? Runway means we are less intimate, you can never go to long without runway, Runway gives you a reason to get up in the morning, Runway's there for you when I am not, or when you choose not to let me be. Runway causes you to lose sleep, to not have time to eat, it has cost you relationships – face it sweet cheeks, Runway is your form of self-harm"

"What a load of codswollop! And even if that were true, I will not die if I do fashion too much, or too deep."

Andrea growled in frustration. "I am going for a walk, I can't be here right now."

"We aren't finished."

"I am"


	15. Chapter 15

Miranda had decided she too would get out of the house, she called Roy and made her way to the old Bistro in town, coffee and a scone that would do quite nicely. It calmed her down and gave her a chance to plan out her next conversation, she and Andrea were getting to heated when it came to talking, she needed to be rational and clear. With a renewed sense of purpose, Miranda left the bistro she had been in for two hours, and got the car home. She closed the front door behind her.

"Andrea?"

She removed her gloves.

"Andrea? Darling?"

She removed her scarf.

"Andrea?"

She heard a muffled "shit"

she kicked off her shoes, neglected to remove her coat, and walked up the stairs.

"Andrea?"

The floor creaked under her foot, and she saw the bar of light across the bottom of the door disappear, indicating the light being turned off. She pushed open the bathroom door.

"Miranda go away"

She couldn't see a thing she shuffled forward.

"Andrea?"

"Miranda I will be out in a minute"

She shuffled forward, searching for a faint outline, hands out in front, she was feeling for a body. She heard Andrea shift slightly.

"Andrea, I wanted to say I am sorry"

She continued to move, her hands out in front of her, she found her wife and placed her hands on the woman's shoulders, they were low enough she realised the woman was sitting on the floor. She let her hands travel down the woman's arms, Andrea moved her arms away. Miranda was determined not to give up without a fight, she reached out and grabbed her wife's hands, and her fingers slid against something warm and wet. Andrea winced. "Andrea" Miranda sounded weak "Andrea tell me that isn't –" She stood up and stepped backwards, looking in horror at the place she imagined her love to be sitting, she continue to step backwards before turning and racing to the light switch. She turned on the light. Andrea would say later that it was the only time her wife's hair did not seem its brilliant white, but seemed grey with the comparison of the extreme white Miranda's skin had gone. The female editor stared in horror at her hands now covered in her wife's blood.

"Shit" she mumbled.

Then Miranda collapsed.


	16. Chapter 16

The night was fitful for Miranda, it wasn't exactly an everyday occurrence to watch your hands turn red with your wife's blood.

She turned back to look at said sleeping woman. She groaned in frustration as the minute feeling of tiredness slid through her grasping fingers and fell with a clinging loud enough to resonate in her darkest dreams, had she been having any that is. She sighed once more and decided to call it a day. Sleep had completely eluded her, all she was doing was getting more frustrated and risking the sleep of Andrea beside her. She tried to be mad at the young woman, it was her fault Miranda couldn't sleep after all, but the only thing she could muster up was terror. There was enough blood to cover her hands and still leave spots on the floor - that was a lot. She recalled the "conversation" the two had had earlier that day (was this all just one day?!) she heard her young wife's wistful voice as she described the beautiful contrast, she was right. It was a contrast, but it had definite lack of beauty for Miranda- she doubt she could ever see the colour red and not have this personal "anecdote" brought to the forefront of her mind. She again watched her sleeping wife, each rise of her chest gave birth to relief in Miranda's, just as each pause between breaths delivered century long milliseconds of torture in which the nightmare of losing her wife replayed in her already jumbled head.

She donned her silken robe and proceeded downstairs, every step pushing her further and further into the harsh world of consciousness t a hope of sleeping tonight. She waited whilst the kettle was boiling and brought her mind back to Andrea standing in the kitchen hours before. Miranda traced her arm up and down and stared at the grey/white smoke like substance that emitted from the kettle. Why would someone deliberately cause themselves harm? Attention? No, the brunette went out of her way to avoid any kind. Death wish? Although it was obvious the brunette was suffering, she didn't seem to want to kill herself however it was none too obvious given the latest incident accidental death could occur during it. There simply wasn't enough information on the subject she thought, then again reading information on self-harm from someone who has never experienced it was like Miranda asking a male doctor what it was like to give birth. She sighed and made to leave the kitchen before opening her laptop and clicking the link to the popular search engine.

Spouses who self-harm

Search

Nothing came up.

Adults who harm themselves

Search

Nothing

Self-harmers.

989,000 links in .31 seconds.

She couldn't look at the images.

Ten minutes later and Miranda was none the wiser.

Self harm wasn't attention seeking, but could be a cry for attention. It was either because the harmer was feeling too much and wanted to numb the pain, or was in too much pain and wanted to numb it. Some people wanted the blood, some people wanted the scar. Some people liked to see their cuts, some people didn't. Some people liked to talk about it, some people didn't.

There just weren't any straight forward answers.

With a sigh she closed the laptop and made her way to the study. May as well do work seeing as she was up anyway.

As she placed her mug on the desk and pulled the drawer out, her drink spilled on to the floor and top of her silk slippers, sighing she reached for the tissue that was always in her pocket, she leaned down to wipe her slipper before her eye caught sight of the nauseating red turn brown stain on her tissue. She stared at it, willing it and the memories it brought to disappear, the more she fought the more they resisted. She lost the battle.

Miranda sat in her chair, head in her hands and wept.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: I have been researching, hence the lateness in the updates, please accept my apologies, it is hard to write something you have little knowledge of. I was given a fictional title to read, and have done so, some of you who are familiar with the title will notice that the last three paragraphs are based on this book. Guess the correct book and I would love to use your idea in a chapter. All in good fun. Hope this finds you all well. And please, if you or anyone you know is going through what Andrea and/or Miranda are, there are lots of ways to get help or simply talk.

The next few days were somewhat…tense. Neither woman wanted to shatter the silence that would undoubtedly cause some form of angst between them. Instead they opted for polite pleasantries and not looking too closely at each other for fear of what the might see.

Two weeks after weeping at her desk and Miranda was at breaking point. She was going to crush this silence and hopefully not bring her marriage crashing down with it. She continued with boiling the kettle, but turned when she heard her wife cross the threshold to the kitchen, neither spoke.

Andrea retrieved the mugs from the cupboard, whilst Miranda placed the boiling water into them, Andrea put the coffee in whilst Miranda placed the milk, they walked around each other like dancers in perfect sync, the shared music in their heads.

Andrea reached over the table for her mug, her action causing her sleeve to ride up and the reminders of the past fortnight to blind steel blue eyes. She winced as she waited for the white haired woman's reaction. She sat down when she realised there wasn't to be one. They sat in an awkward silence, Andrea staring into her mug, Miranda, glasses in her left hand which was pressed under her chin, staring unflinchingly into the kitchen wall; whilst her other hand drew dizzying circle patterns on the mug. Andrea knew what this meant, she took a gulp of her brown liquid and steeled herself. There was to be a …debate.

When the coffee was finished each woman placed their mugs in front of them, like knights in a chess piece, they looked rebellious yet so completely incapable of taking on the mammoth task, they could be thrown to the wall and crash in a thousand pieces much like the marriage they might drag down with them – or they could be offered, to a crying woman, their insides hot with hope and love. Either way this was it, the end of the beginning, the beginning of the end – only time, and the state of the crockery would tell.

Miranda cleared her throat, Andrea looked at her, the editor's gaze did not move. Andrea remained looking at her, Miranda wanted this so she could start it.

"I would like you to stop" the quick retort on Andrea's tongue was bitten down, she did not want to risk angering Miranda too quickly. "I would like you to stop harming yourself, and…" Miranda's voice died off, she knew this was a risk, if it paid off it would be bigger than anything she had ever pulled off in the business world. However if it failed, the losses would be bigger than anything she had ever lost in enterprise also. She was not afraid to gamble with stocks and colours and controversy, then again what's a couple billion compared to one's heart. She steeled on, swallowed, looked Andrea in the eye and continued "..And I believe that if you truly loved me, you would stop."

The anger nearly swallows Andrea whole, this woman is insane! Flashes of previous conversations and arguments speed behind her eyes in a mirage of pain and anguish, she cannot do this again, she will not fight this fight again. She opens her mouth to release the turmoil Miranda has caused, but her wife's hand is up, palm towards her, in a soft silent plea to allow her to finish. Andrea closes her mouth and nods her consent to Miranda.

Miranda closes her eyes briefly, this is the hard bit, now or never, she cannot look back. She sent a quick line to any deity that was listening, "please let this work" Breathe in; she looked at Andrea again. "Because of this, I have decided that if you will be continuing on with this…past time so to speak, I will be asking for a separation."

A tidal wave of emotion threatens to engulf Andrea. She is suddenly back to the argument about Mrs Potts, back to when she thought life as she knew it was about to end.

"I can't" Andrea pushes away from the table "I can't" She is breathing heavily and barely registers that Miranda has stepped to the other side of the table and fallen on her knees in front of her. The broken vase, the slammed doors, the yelling, these are the things she hears. Andrea clasps her hands over her ears in a childlike attempt to mute the sounds of their arguing from the past few weeks. She jumps up, wheels away from Miranda, fumbles in her pocket for her razor she has always kept there. But just as she is preparing to slice Miranda grabs her arm "no not like this"

Andrea whimpers and tries to find release from her wife's arms.

Miranda shakes her "No, not like some trapped animal" Andrea continues to struggle. "You do not have to do this, you do not have to, Andrea stop!" She continues to fight against the slight brunette. "OK, you want to cut? That's fine, but you will do it in front of me, you will show me." She suddenly lets go of Andrea, who seems to only register Miranda has spoken once the editor releases her. She looks at the white haired woman in the eye, and rolls her sleeve up. She presses the razor into her arm, her eyes close and her head falls back as she hisses in exquisite pain, her eyes fall to her arm to watch the thin lines of blood collect on her no longer blemish free arm. She can breathe again. The only sound she can hear is the heartbeat, loud like the ocean drumming in her hear, and the hitching cries of her no doubt disgusted soon to be ex – wife.

Miranda can't believe she did it, she can't believe she made her wife -. The tears are in pools of salt before she realises she has begun to cry.


	18. Chapter 18

What the fuck just happened?

Miranda stands rooted to the spot and watches the brunette collapse to the floor.

What the fuck just happened?

Has she pushed too far? Is it over?

What the fuck just happened?

She looks at Andrea, now lying in the foetal position on the floor, hands covering her eyes.

Fuck. What now?

Miranda turned to leave the kitchen, robotically she walked up the stairs, past the pictures of their life together, of the girls as they had grown, of Patricia from pup to horse, and she made it to the bedroom.

Where was the first aid box kept?

She looked in the drawers, nothing

The wardrobe, nothing

Then the bathroom, the more she searched the more ragged her breath came, the more her heart pounded, where was it? Where the fuck was it?! She screamed and threw the numerous lotions and potions that adorned the sink on to the floor, she opened the medicine cabinet and threw it open almost taking the door of the hinges as she went. "Fuck fuck fuck, where the fuck-"she looked under the sink, she pushed the bleach and medicinal spares out of the way – she suddenly stopped.

Her hands grasped something hard at the back of the cupboard, frowning she pulled it towards her, in doing so she knocked a load of cans off the shelf infront of It and they clanged to the floor with a tinny sound, she puffed out in frustration and gave up, in for a penny in for a pound, she grabbed the object nd pulled it towards her, finally the first aid box as it came into view, she decided against cleaning the mess tight now and proceeded downstairs to her wife with the box in hand.

Upon entering the kitchen she notices Andrea had now moved from the floor to one of the chairs at the kitchen table, she does not move as the older of the two enters. Nor when the editor sits beside her, or even when she takes her hand. She only moves when she notices the box Miranda has in her hand.

"Miranda-" Andy begins to protest

"Now is not that time for you bravado Andrea, let me clean this up then we can –" she seems to lose her steam "Well I don't know what we will do but I am going to clean this up"

"No"

"Andrea I am not in the mood"

"Miranda-"

"For fuck's sake sit down and shut up!"

Andrea leans closer to Miranda and grabs the tin, she makes to leave with it leaving Miranda in shock

"_Andrea,!?" _She stands up and grabs the tin off the brunette "What has gotten into you?"

"Nothing" the brunette takes the tub off her again

Miranda makes a grab for it, and Andrea snatches it back again. Miranda does the only thing she can do, she kisses her wife, hard and long in a way that makes Andrea's toes tingle and leave her breathless, disorientated and distracted.

HA! Miranda has the box. She pushes Andrea's shoulders until the young woman is sitting on the seat, she looks terrified. "Miranda, please…" she whispers Miranda rolls her eyes and opens the box.

It takes her a moment to work out what she is looking at.

She looks up at her wife who is staring intently at the table top, and then back down to the box, which has blades, shards of glass, plasters, pins, nails, staples, matches, lighters and many more things. With a sickening jolt Miranda realises she had found her wife's utensils.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: In University, sitting exams; have my theory and Practical Driving test; Volunteering once a week and planning holiday in July. Postings will be sporadic.

It has been ten minutes and neither woman moved to speak, Miranda is still looking at the offensive objects in front of her, and Andrea is staring at her wife, unsure of what to do. Miranda's mind races with images happy, sad of their life together, she cannot understand why this had to happen to her family. Other people did this, not her girl, her wife. She needed to understand. She had pain too and she needed it to go away but she wasn't causing herself harm. She took a deep breathe, unaware that her wife was watching her as she picked up one of the pins from the box. She studied it carefully, rolling it in her hand. Tentatively she placed her finger on top of the sharp point and winced when she felt the sharp pain in her finger, she pulled away. She was unaware of Andrea who flinched and barely restrained herself from pulling the pin off her wife. Miranda moved the pin to her other hand, closed her eyes and snapped the tool in two before going to the kitchen bin and dragging it to her seat. She sat back in her chair and made her way through the box, breaking utensils, snapping them in two, or just plain throwing them out. Andrea watched the whole process. The more Miranda throughout the more Andrea became sure she would have a heart attack, she couldn't do this.

"No!" she slammed her hands on the table, yet made no effort to reach for her things. Miranda ignored her and continued to make her way through the utensils. "I said no dammit!"

Miranda looked up at her wife, she had a pair of scissors in her hand, and in a voice void of emotion she asked "Do you love me?"

"What?" asked a voice broken with disbelief.

"Me or them"

Andrea groaned and pushed away from the table, she thought this was over with. She turned to place her hands on the counter tops, how was she going to cope without either of them? "Caroline or Cassidy?"

"Excuse me?" Miranda stopped mid snap and looked up sharply at Andy, who remained with her back to her.

"Caroline or-"

"I heard you" interrupted the silver haired editor, in a low voice "I was merely giving you the chance to rethink what you just said" Andrea turned slowly to face her wife. "I refuse to believe you compared _my_ daughters to this sick little game you have."

Andrea closed her eyes "I was simply referring to the idea that you would not be able to choose between either of the girls. I know you love _our _daughters equally"

Miranda stood up and walked towards her wife, who opened her eyes when she felt the older woman's presence.

"You are truly telling me that you could not choose between having me as your wife, and cutting yourself?"

"It's not as simple as that"

"Sounds it to me"

"Well you don't understand"

"You won't let me in, or help me to understand"

"Well maybe I should make the decision for you"

"What?" Andrea's heart began to race, and her eyes searched her wife's for an answer

"Maybe we need a break, let you decide. I could never handle you loving someone else the same as or more than me, what makes you think I could handle you loving a...a...past time, an _addiction_ the same as me? I told you when you were first married that the only thing or people to come before me where the children. I would accept nothing else and you agreed. Now you have broken that promise, you betrayed me, and worst of all you do it in my home. I'm sorry Andrea, but I need you to leave."


	20. Chapter 20

Caroline and Cassidy came home to their stepmother's suitcases in the hall, and their mother in tears.

"What have you done?" demanded Cassidy of Andrea "What have you done to my mother!"

"Ask her" replied Andrea before helping to place her suitcases in the boot of the taxi that was now outside. Once the bags were all packed she returned to the house where Caroline remained, looking for the world as though she couldn't quite grasp what was happening.

"Andy?" she whispered. Andrea sighed and hugged the younger of the two, she kissed the top of her head and bent down so she was eye level with the girl. "No matter what happens I love you. I will always be there for you, once I get a place I'll send you the address and you can come stay anytime we'll have lunch okay?" She gave the girl a weak smile, the taxi honked " I have to go" she kissed Caroline on the head once more before standing up, glancing back to her wife's office, were she and Cassidy where, before sweeping out the front door and closing it behind her.

Miranda looked up as Cassidy entered her office. "Oh mum" she hugged the editor who held the girl and wept silently into her daughter's shoulder. "What happened?" Miranda shook her head and pulled back, wiping her eyes as she did so "That is between me and you step- That is between Andrea and I" She retrieved her spectacles from her lap, rubbed them with her scarf and placed them on the desk. "Where is your sister?"

Cassidy sighed. "You know what she's like, not good with the emotional things, she's doing an impression of Rynhart's Molly Malone. Minus the wheelbarrow of course. _Crying cockles and muscles alive alive oh!" _The young girl sang cheerily. The editor stood and wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her head under the older woman's cheek.

"I am your mother, you needn't hide, not that you could, your feelings from me"

"Mummy" she held the girl tighter as she began to cry. "Why did she leave?" Miranda sat back down and pulled her daughter into her lap, she heard the front door close and looked up again as her second daughter walked into the room and watched her mother and sister. She hovered at the door indecisiveness etched across her face. Her mother beckoned to her silently and she came, each step washing her eyes with a new wave of tears. She rocked both her girls as they cried. This was it, just the three of them again, they were back to a single aren't family. She had truly thought it would work with Andrea, apparently not. She glanced at her wedding ring, simple silver band. No engagement ring as she had been the one to propose. It had given her a new found respect for her ex husband. The nerves she had felt that night!

A while later both girls pulled away and excused themselves, Cassidy for a nap and Caroline for a shower. She kissed both girls and told them she would see them for dinner. As the girls left she figured she should keep herself busy with work. She placed her spectacles on her nose and took the book out of the drawer on the top of the desk, she opened it and began to work. An hour later she turned a page and one of the notes she had created flew out of the book and landed under the desk on the floor. Sighing she got out of the chair and onto her hands and knees, feeling under the desk with her hand for the note. Her hand knocked against something soft. She picked it up. It was a tissue, turning it over she noticed it was the bloody tissue from a few nights ago. When she had walked in on Andrea in the bathroom.

The memory jolted her. Tears began afresh, she needed her wife back, if only to be sure she was still alive and not hurting. She was a fool. What kind of person sent their love away to be hurt, when they were the only one checking she was okay! Did she have the energy for it though? She was old and tired and the thought of constantly checking on Andrea was an exhausting one.

Damn it! What the – why – she was so livid! Why the fuck couldn't she have one love? Why was everything torn from her? Why had she to lose Andrea through the silly girls own actions. It would be bad enough if she had been in a car accident, or had been struck with some terrible illness – but no the stupid bitch was fucking self harming. She growled, she stood up again and smacked the desk. Who the fuck found pleasure in pain? She banged the desk again. I hate you Andrea she thought, she pushed her pages of the desk – I fucking hate you! You ruined everything! She through the lamp on the floor. Why did you have to leave me?! She grabbed the clock off the wall and smashed on the floor, stomping on it repeatedly. Why couldn't you be normal? Why couldn't you just talk? She swiped the ornaments on the mantelpiece to the floor and fell to her knees crying out in anger and frustration and pain, and every other emotion under the sun that she had kept locked inside her chest. She fell forward, placing her head on the floor and let the tears fall. She wasn't sure how long she knelt there in a half begging half praying position. Appropriate for her state of mind, she stayed until er knees began to pain her. She braced herself on her hands and pushed off the floor, in doing so a sharp piece of glass from one of the broken ornament pierced her skin.

She sucked a breath in through her teeth. It was a weird feeling, stingy but, but good. Like a sharp, sweet note that rose above the dull vibrato that had become her everyday pain. It didn't feel extremely pleasant per say, but it wasn't exactly painful either. She looked at her hand and pulled the small shard out. She watched at a tiny bubble of red appeared where the glass had been. It was a pretty colour. She placed the glass back in the wound and pushed it in further. The high note came back and made her body hum. She removed the shard again. Looking around the floor she felt for a – hmm no too small, too big, wrong shape – ah perfect.

She sat on her bottom in the middle of the floor, unbuttoned her sleeve and rolled it up. She placed the shard of glass on her arm, pressed in and cut. She screamed. Fucking hell! _Why _would anyone do that?! It fucking hurt! Fuck fuck fuck fuckety fuck. Fuck me mother Teresa! Nope. So much nope. Not doing that. She threw the offending item away from her and looked at it in disgust. She sighed, rolled down her sleeve and rebuttoned it. Well that was one adventure over with. Never doing that again.

That woman is clearly a fucking nutter.

_MY_ fucking nutter she thought. My nutter .Mine...


	21. Chapter 21

Andrea woke to scratchy eyes, a pounding head and stiff back. She winced as the dried blood tugged her skin as she pulled her arm from the cheap polyester sheets. "Oh how the mighty fall" she thought. Poly blend sheets are comfy enough, unless you've been sleeping in Egyptian blend sheets for the past 5 years. She stumbled off the couch that had become her bed and moved to the kitchen (read : the table beside the couch) to make coffee (read brown water). She held the mug to her chest as she caressed her scars and new cuts along her body. She was a freak. No wonder her wife had given up on her.

"She's where?!" Miranda's shrill voice carried through the kitchen. The twins were sat on the bottom of the stairs watching their mother pace. She was make up free and in nothing but her silk pyjamas and dressing gown. Her slippers softly padded on the tiled floor of the kitchen as she paced. The telephone was to her left ear as she nibbled the spectacles that were in her right hand. "Well what is she doing there?" The twins couldn't hear what was being said, only the faint murmur of a man's voice replying. Miranda sighed "Roy..." She nodded despite the fact he couldn't see her. "Whatever it takes,break down the door if you have to. I don't have to tell you what she means." The voice murmured again. "No, that's all - and thanks" she hung up the phone. She placed her head in her hands and sighed. "What kind of idiot kicks out their self harming wife?" She looked down at the small cut on her arm, the pain was gone and now an ugly red mark had formed. She just _didn't get it..._

Andrea jumped at the sound of her door being knocked. She got of the couch and moved to the door, she hadn't a clue who it could be, the landlord had been paid a month in advance and no one knew she was here. Not even Miranda, not that her wife would come here, she was the one had thrown her out after all. The door knocked again, she looked around for something, anything that could be used as a weapon, she found an umbrella. She raised the umbrella above her, ready to strike if need be, and used her other hand to slowly reach for the door, her hand grasped the cool metal of the latch, she began to turn I "Andrea?" the voice called/ She dropped the umbrella and opened the door. "Roy?"

Miranda sighed as she placed her spectacles on the book in front of her, it was no use. She couldn't keep her Gobanna from her Guccie or her Dolce from her Donna. She was too distracted, she got up to make a cup of coffee. Upon entering the kitchen doorway she saw her twins at the kitchen , at first she though they were huddled in a whisper, just as she was about to berate them she noticed Caroline's shoulders shaking, with a pang in her chest she realised she had walked in on her eldest daughter soothing the tears of her twin. Rather than let them know she had walked in on their private moment, she turned and retreated to her bedroom.

Andrea moved aside to allow Roy access to the apartment. They remained silence. She gestured to the kettle and he nodded. "Black, no sugar please" she bowed her head in acknowledgement. Again silence reigned. Roy looked around the small room - he didn't care how it was advertised it was _not_ an apartment. He glanced at the settee which had obviously been slept on, and the table where 2 bag's of Tayto cheese and onion and a can of coke (remains of last night's dinner) sat. He shook his head. If Miranda knew just where her wife was living. Andrea interrupted his thoughts by handing him his coffee "thanks", she smiled back at him. "How are you?" he asked.

Miranda had decided a bath would help. She would use her most luxurious, exuberant bath products and melt the stress away. She turned the tap on the bath and began to remove her make up. She opened the cabinet above the sink, and was suddenly eye to eye with her wife's assortment of _stuff__. _She never could get it across to the silly girl that they were rich. In favor of Lancome, the girl used Nivea, instead of GHDs she used Braun, Instead of Dior she used Revlon. No changing girls like her she guessed. She closed the cabinet again. She refused to upset herself even more. Andrea was gone because Andrea chose self harm over her wife. It was Andrea's decision - not hers and she just had to live with it, she turned away from the cabinet, turned off the taps of the bath and proceeded to get in.

Andrea began to cry. "Ah shit" he thought. Roy was in for it now. The Dragon Lady would be pissed that he hadn't managed to stop her from harming herself, nor had he managed to keep her in an appropriate living space - but now, now he'd gone and made her woman cry. Andy please don't - please don't cry, -" "She doesn't love me anymore" Andrea cut him off, sobbing. She began to pace the room. "What did I do wrong?" she sniffed and used the back of her hand to wipe her nose. "She kicked me out of my home, I miss her, Roy I miss her!" The driver put his cup of so called coffee on the table, walked to the sobbing woman, placed his hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Well then Andrea Priestly - You know what you have to do."


	22. Chapter 22

Andrea pulled away. "How do I do that? I can't lie without it, I can't live-"

Roy put his hat on his head and turned to the door again just as he was about to leave he turned back to the mumbling woman "Can you live without her?"

Andrea looked up just in time to see him leave. She remained stood in the middle of her room, arms crossed, hands on her shoulders and nibbling her lip. SHe knew what she wanted - what she _had _ to do. But it wouldn't be easy, would it even be possible? She walked to the settee where she found her bag, she found the pieces of paper she was looking for, opened her lap top and settled down to some serious research.

They had just finished dinner when the bell rang. Miranda looked up from filling the dishwasher, and waited. Once it was obvious neither of the girls were coming down to do so, she answered it. Her mouth fell open when she saw her wife there.

Andrea hadn't tried her key. She didn't want to risk the chance it wouldn't fit, to risk knowing that Miranda was completely over her. She almost laughed at the shock on the older woman's face. "Hi, May I come in?"

The editor stood back to allow her wife in. "You know when i asked you to leave, i didn't mean you couldn't return. This is still your home, we are still your family. I just needed- I couldn't- I-"

"It's ok Miranda, look I don't want to keep you, can we go into the kitchen and talk?" Miranda gestured towards the kitchen and waited for the brunette to lead the way, she followed behind. Definitely not looking at that fine bottom.

Once the wine had been poured, the kitchen door closed to save the conversation from two sets of prying ears, and the preliminaries had been dealt with. Andrea decided it was time to do what she had come to do. She cleared her throat, and took a deep breath but continued to look at the red liquid in her glss as er two hands played with the base of the crystal. "I want to come home" Miranda shuffled in her seat.

"I'd like to have you home, but you know what needs to happen."

"And there is no way you would reconsider?"

"Andrea"

"That is so unfair!" she looked into Miranda's eyes

"Tell me you did not come over here to have a fight. I haven't heard from you in a week and then you want to argue?"

"You threw me out"

"I asked you to leave"

"Same difference"

"No it is not"

"How isn't it? Either way I'm homeless, loveless and -"

"Loveless?"

"Miranda why did you stop loving me?"

"You stupid girl, what makes you think that?"

Andrea began to cry "You threw me out" she sniffed.

Miranda moved closer to the young woman, she laid her hand on the the brunettes shoulder "I asked you to leave"

The young writer growled "It's the sam-"

"I asked you to leave in the hopes you would return. I did not throw you out, I want you home as badly as ou want to be here, I want you to come back, I just can not have this is in my house."

Andrea saw red again "Selfish bit-"

"Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black!" Miranda sat back in her chair and folded her arms

"what?!"

"Well you were the one doing all of this without even a thought for how it would affect me or the girls!"

"I can't do this - I can't keep gaping round in circles" Andrea laid her head in her folded arms on the table. "I miss you, I miss Caroline and Cassidy, the bed, the shower - coffee, I miss everything and I just want to wake up with you again and go to bed after a bah together and argue about something, anything else that isnt this"

"ok"

"ok?"

"What?"

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Andrea to be honest darling, this is all words. You want all that, then show me. Show me you care, show me you will do what is needed for your family."

Andrea looked up at Miranda again, steeled herself and opened her handbag. "Well actually" Miranda looked at her wife and felt her hart leap when she saw what was taken out of her bag. "I was kind of hoping we could make a deal?" Miranda's heart continue to pound, she did not let herself get too excited to quickly.

"What kind of deal?"

"I want to stop and come home, but I want you to help me."

"I'll support you in any way I can love, I can distract you, talk to you, we can plan incentives, fun things to do for goals -"

"I want you to quit coffee"

"WHAT?!"

If you have any ideas readers I would be grateful to hear them!


	23. Chapter 23

The editor looked at her companion in confusion.

"Well" started Andrea "I feel like you might understand and sympathise a bit more if you quit something with me, and I can't very well ask you to quit Runway, it's your livelihood. Anyway you've being saying for years you need to cut down on the caffeine, now's your chance." the brunette smiled, the older of the two sat back at the table.

"Cut down Andrea not quit! My God! Do you know what would happen?! I couldn't function - my body would go into shock."

Andrea rolled her eyes. "Stop being so dramatic, and anyway so much caffeine is bad for you" she sat in the chair next to her wife. With a teasing smile she added "especially at your age"

"oi you!" Miranda reached over to swatt the younger woman on the arm, her hand was caught by the brunette, who brought up to her cheek before kissing it. Miranda smiled lovingly at her. Just as she opened her mouth two sets of feet thundered down the stairs.

"Andy?" "Mum?" came two twin voices.

"Girls" Miranda turned to her twins. "Andrea is moving back in"

"And your mum's quitting coffee." Andrea laughed at the silence that engulfed the kitchen.


	24. Chapter 24

It had been three days since the announcement and Miranda didn't think she was doing too badly. The twins wanted to kill her, then Andrea for making their mother this way and Andrea was constantly checking she was okay she was beginning to wonder if the girl wasn't tempting her just so he would have a free pass. She ran her hands through her iconic hair. The door to her office opened and closed silently, neglecting to look up she figured it was Patricia or one of the girls grabbing something related to their homework, when the door didn't reopen she looked up. Andrea was sitting on the settee, feet curled under her, in Miranda's jumper, a pair of nee high socks and some pants. Her long creamy legs were on display, and wheat a beautiful view, even if the view was scuppered by the way their owner was perched. She dragged her eyes away from her wife's beautiful thighs, "I am nearly done, yes I am fine no I don't want coffee, I am not tempted I-"

"I am"

Miranda looked to her beautiful brunette. "You are allowed coffee" she said hopefully. The small insincere side grin she gardener in response let her know that was not what her young wife desired. She sighed.

Andrea got up "I am sorry to bother you" she whispered, mistaking the sympathetic sigh for an impatient one "I just didn't want to –"

"Sit down you silly girl" Miranda got up from the desk and sat both she and the brunette on the settee, this time with Andrea's face pressed to her chest as Miranda soothed her back. It didn't take ten seconds for the tears to begin. Miranda refused to hush the young woman, it was repressing her emotions that had them in this state to begin with, she simply held her as the writer emptied her soul of anything and everything. She kept her grounded so her emotions could not take off with her.

They woke an hour or two later. One of the twins must have put the fire out, as they were now covered in the old picnic blanket and the embers were completely dead. The curtains had been drawn also. "How are you feeling?" Andrea nodded. "And you don't feel like…?" The young woman shook her head. "How's your throat?"

"My throat?" asked Andrea confused.

"Ah, I was worried you'd lost your voice"

"haha" She smiled, the smile grew as her wife lent in to kiss her cheek. She found herself losing her soul in the stormy pool of the editor's eyes. She pulled Miranda close to her and kissed her other cheek, her neck and then her mouth, she held the older woman's head with her hands, before using her tongue to ask for entrance and upon gaining it devouring the woman of every last ounce of love and lust and darn right debauchery she had. She pulled back just before she passed out with the lack of air. She almost laughed at the sight of the bewildered Miranda. She held her wife in her arms while she regained her balance, Miranda looked up at the young woman who had caused the shameful images and feelings to occur in her body, in a snap second she made a decision. She locked the study door, move to relight the fire and removed all the cushions from the settees and armchairs. Andrea watched her do this. IN bewilderment she asked Miranda what she was doing. The editor kicked off her shoes, and walked to her wife. She pecked her on the lips. "We are going to build a fort" Andrea smiled, Miranda slipped her hand into her wife's pants and massaged her clit making Andrea gasp; before retracting her hand and tasting her fingers. She leant into her wife's ear and whispered. "Then we are going to fuck like barbarians in the fort, on the desk, against the door and on the settee. And just then you think you can't orgasm any more – well, we're gonna do it all over again."

Andrea just about came on the spot.


	25. Chapter 25

After a long and satisfying night, Andrea woke to the sound of water crashing against glass, Miranda was in the shower. She stretched and revelled in the simple pleasure that can only be had when one wakes and realises they have nothing to do but loll about in bed all day. She placed both her wrists up behind her head and sighed as she recalled the previous night. A shudder ran through her as she remembered some of the more intimate moments. The shower stopped, and Miranda entered in her bathrobe and slippers, silently patting her hair dry. "Morning" Andrea sat up. Miranda sat on the bed, kissed her wife and continued with her morning routine. With her back to the foot of the bed, she inspected herself in the vanity.

"How are you feeling this morning?"

Andrea got out of the bed, clad only in a hair tie and wrapped her arms around her wife's waist; she placed her chin on the older woman's shoulder. "I am starving. And you?" Miranda rolled her eyes and caught her wife's gaze in the mirror.

"Andrea Sachs, you know that is not what I mean!" She sat on the chair at her vanity.

Andrea sighed. "I don't want to talk about it. And stop calling me that"

Miranda turned to the brunette "calling you what?"

"Nothing" Andrea turned to leave for the bathroom and Miranda pulled her arm

"No tell me"

"I don't want to" Miranda did not let g

"Tell me" she insisted

"No Miranda just drop it"

"Andrea I demand you tell me" Andrea pulled her arm out of her wife's hands and stormed t the other side of the room.

"Oh you _demand_ do you? That's all right I guess I have to do it because Miranda freaking priestly _demands _I do."

Miranda remained sitting, watching her wife – well there was no other word for it the young woman was throwing a tantrum. She said nothing, although the one raised eyebrow was sufficient enough for Andrea to become even more agitated. "Argh!" she turned away from the editor and stormed into the bathroom slamming the door behind her. Miranda would not admit, even to herself, that the sound caught her by surprise. Hey she was only human and that ass was so damn fine... she shook herself into reality. She refused to pander to the young woman's strop. She turned back to the vanity and continued with her morning routine. She pretended the absence of noise from the other room was unnoticed. She silently finished her hair and makeup and proceeded to choose jewellery to match the attire chosen the night before. She dilly dallied as long as she could, taking extra care not to rip her tights – still no noise. She gave up all pretence and was attempting to orchestrate an excuse for her presence in the bathroom when the door flung open. At first she though the young woman was still in a strop then she noticed the tears.

"Miranda?" came the soft tear laden voice

"Oh love" she quickly embraced the brunette and rocked her as the sobbing shoulders threatened to force them both to ground. She spoke nonsense into the girl's ear and soothed her back. "It's aright love, I'm here, it's okay hush now". She moved them both back to the bed, Andre had started sniffling and the tears had begun to ease. "There now" he handed he young wife a tissue from the box on the bedside table. "Tell me – what was all that about?"


	26. Chapter 26

"Please don't leave me" Miranda had to strain to hear the mumble that was almost swallowed by the cloth on her shoulder.

"what?" she asked as she pulled back to hold the brunette at arm's length

"Please don-"started Andrea

"I heard you" cut in the white haired editor. "I am just wondering where you got such an absurd idea!"

The brunette lowered her head and let her eye line fall to her hands resting in her lap. She was no longer naked, rather dressed in a no old soft pink robe Miranda had bought whilst pregnant with the twins. "It doesn't matter"

Miranda clicked her tongue and using her finger pulled the girl's face up to look at her. She kissed her on the lips "if it is upsetting you then i wish to know"

"Youcalledmebymymaidenname"

Miranda looked confused "Can you say that a little slower for me darling?"

Andrea closed her eyes and took a breath, she opened them again. "You called me Sachs, my maiden name."

Miranda smiled "Love I was only teasing!"

Andrea broke away from the older woman and made to move "I know it doesn't matter" she mumbled

"Hush now, I didn't say it doesn't matter, I truly didn't mean it to upset you, I'm sorry love forgive me?"

"Okay" grumbled Andrea and kissed the editor's cheek. Miranda smiled and kissed her wife on the lips, she gave a happy sigh, stood up to smooth her skirt, retrieved her coat and handbag and strode towards the door. She turned as she reached to open it "Early meeting today – shall we have a quiet night in? We can make your favourite?" Andrea smiled, unnoticed by Miranda how strained it truly was. "I love you Andrea _Priestly_".

"Love you too"

The door closed behind Miranda. Andrea waited to hear the front door closed before she got off the bed and proceeded downstairs to the kitchen, she moved quickly and silently. Side stepping the kettle and the knife drawer, past the lighters and matches by the candles, she opened the cabinet under the sink, found a small tin, closed the cupboard and headed back to her original location. Once in the bedroom she closed and locked the door behind her. Despite knowing that she was alone in the house, she felt safer and more private with the door locked. She sat on the bed and opened up the small tin. She pulled her dressing gown up over her bare leg. She retrieved a small blister packet from the tin and had to use her teeth to open it, once opened she retrieved a medium sized antiseptic wipe and proceeded to clean the grazes she had created only moments before in the bathroom. She'd broken he promise. And she was going to do it again.


	27. Chapter 27

She needed to, she needed to, she needed to _now!_ The dull pain was crashing in her ears like an unforgiving ocean tide of scabby depression. It was a flat pain, if it were a flavour it would be those violet sweets. Muted but overly present. She couldn't handle it, she needed it to either be gone or to change or have something distract her from it. She wasn't able to concentrate on anything other than this. The crashing waves got louder, relentless and unforgiving. Then suddenly an angel sang in a sweet, pointy note about the waves, which became silent and calm. The blood began too ooze. Big bubbles that formed droplets and left tiny tear tracks as they cried their way to their maker's fingers. If this feeling were a flavour it would be the sharpness of lemon sherbet. Bitter and shocking that left an addictive after taste. It completely obliterated any remaining taste of violets. Not everyone likes sherbet. Or lemon. For some it it too tangy, too sharp. For some violet is enough, it is soothing and the waves lull them to sleep rather than threaten to drown them. She thinks they are the lucky ones. For some the sherbet is a life boat cast out to sea to hopefully catch and reign them in. She gets up off the bedroom floor. Dresses herself and pops a sherbet in her mouth before walking out the door. She tries to ignore the sound of waves and the smell of violets that tingle her nose. Today is one of the days she will have to fight not to try the soft fluffy reassurance of white candyfloss.


	28. Chapter 28

Miranda shifted uncomfortably in the stainless steel chair buy cheap, wear cheap...or sit as the case may be. She groaned in frustration and misery before sliding forward to rest her head in her hands, with her elbows rested on the bends of her Donna Karen black trousers. The empty corridor seemed to span forever, on one side were a row of the stainless steel torture devices, the other a line of white doors with little numbers on them, and a slider that indicated whether they were in use or not. Door number 6 opened and a short, fat man with a bald spot right on top of his head emerged.

"Ms-" Miranda stood up "Priestly" and grabbed her handbag before following the Martin Mull look alike. The door closed behind her as the curtain in front opened, and showed a somber looking Andrea sitting on the gurney, legs swung over the side, dangling her shoe half off. She was a picture of a child, contemplating the telling off that was about to occur. None came, Miranda was nodding and listening to the doctor's instructions of how to keep the wounds clean and what cream to use for less scarring, plastic surgeons that could help. With a quick comment about being careful when shaving your legs, he left. Miranda placed the prescription into her handbag, turned to go through the curtain she had originally proceeded through, opened the number 6 door, and left. Andrea got off the gurney, put her shoe on properly and followed.

Silence reigned until they were half way home.

"Damn what an idiot"]Andrea looked up at Miranda's comment.

#"Hmm?" she asked

Miranda turned from the road to her companion "he _really _thought you had cut yourself shaving?!"

"Andrea laughed "It's all I could think of"

Miranda began to laugh also "I thought that was a bald spot on his head, clearly not, its a solar panel to help charge the stupid machine"

The two women laughed, after a few seconds Andrea noticed her wife's tears turn to sobs. Miranda was bent so far she was no longer able to see the road. The brunette grabbed the wheel and used the handbrake to bring the car to a stop at the side of the road. She sat in silence unsure of whether to to comfort her wife or not. She fiddled with her bandages.

"Do you have _any-" _ Miranda choked on a sob, she wiped her tears, looked in the mirror in a half attempt to fix her make up and rested her head on the wheel. She continued to cry. "Have you any idea what it is like to get a phone call like that? To be told your wife is in A&E because she collapsed, and her wrists are torn to shreds? Do you?" Miranda looked at her wife "What if it had been me Andrea? Hmm? WHat if it had been me who collapsed, and you got the call saying id try to kill myself? Just leave you and the girls behind, selfish-"

"I didn't try to kill myself" jumped in Andrea

"-_bitch_! You would leave me alone without you -"

"I didn't try to kill myself"

"- so you dont have to get up and face the world-"

Andrea took a hold of the editors hands and brought them to her chest. "Miranda. I did _not_ try to kill myself, I made a mistake, Im sorry"

Miranda removed her hands from Andrea's grasp and placed the on either of the younger woman's cheeks. HEr thumbs brushed the stray tears that had fallen from the chocolate eyes. "Whether you meant to or not, you could have." She moved to stroke her thumb down the young writers cheek. "Your mistake could have cost me one of the things I hold most dear in life. I can' do this Andrea, I am at my wits end." The white haired woman turned herself to the road again. She crossed her arms and lent her head in the crook as she sighed. After a minute she began to speak. "I'm too old for this, too old for wondering if youre dead or alive, if you're cutting r have been, if your eating, if you're looking after yourself. It is impossible to love someone who doesn't love themselves. Its just asking for heartache. I think - I think-"

"No! Dont say it!"

She turned to her wife, placing her left hand on the brunette's shoulder, the other one one her knee.

"Andrea, Andrea, please darling -"

"No!" Andrea sobbed, "No! You promised me, on our wedding day, you said in sickness and in health, till death do us part - thats what you said"

Miranda began to cry again. "I know my love, I know, but if we don't end it now, one of us will end up dead, and i cant risk losing you, and my girls need me."

"I need you"

"You need an enabler."

"I love you"

Miranda kissed her beautiful wife on the lips.

"God knows I love you, I love you so much"

"Then why are you leaving me again?"

"You left me a long time ago my love" Miranda held Andrea to her chest and began to stroke her hair.

"I want to come back again"

"I want you to also"

"Help me find my way?"

"I can't do that darling, but I can leave the light on, and hope you find the right path"

Andrea began to shake with loud sobs "Please, please don't leave me please"

Mirandas body also shook, she bent her head to press a kiss to the top of her darling wife's head.

"Im so tired sweetheart, i cant do anymore, I cant."

"You dont have to" Andrea moved away from the older womans chest and using her hands raised herself to be eye level with her. "This time I'll do it, this time. I promise"

"Andrea-" sighed Miranda.

"I promise"

"You promise a lot of things. And its okay, I understand. Its not your fault, you just aren't in a good place right now."

"Miranda-"

"No Andrea"

"Give me your wedding ring" Miranda looked at the younger woman in shock, breathlessly she asked "Andrea?" She hadn't thought the younger woman would make her give back the ring. She chewed her lip, closed her eyes and nodded. SHe then took off her ring, the simple gold band which had remained in the same place for five years was hard to move, at first it didn't budge. But gradually it came. She curled her fingers around it, pausing for a moment to allow her memories to surround her, opened her eyes and gave her ring to her wife. "give me your hand" Puzzled and with a questioning look Miranda handed Andrea her left hand "You other one. It was awkward but miranda managed to give andrea her hand. On the wedding finger of the right hand andrea placed her favourite ring. In answer to Mirandas puzzled looks she spoke

"I, Andrea take you, Miranda, to be my wife my constant friend, my faithful partner and my guiding light home. In the presence of us, our love and hope, I offer you my solemn vow to follow the glow of light you offer, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live. You are my home and I will find my way back to you."

Miranda smiled at the subtle changes in the vows.

"You will not be rid of me that easily" smirked Andrea.

Miranda smiled back, hugged her and kissed her. And kissed her. And kissed her.

She drew back finally with a serious look on her face. "THe last chance Andrea, seriously know more" she pointed her finger at the young brunette. Andrea took her wifes hand and kissed each of the fingers.

"Yes Miranda, I swear there will be no need for more chances, no need at all."

"Let's go home" "Yes, let's" Miranda kissed Andrea once more, before turning to the wheel. She put her clutch to the floor, entered first gear, took of the handbrake and pressed on the accelerator, and away they were.


	29. Chapter 29

The house was dark when the two arrived home. The automatic porch light casted long, hunting figures onto the front door. Neither spoke as they entered. Stepping over the threshold was like breaking the barrier of the New World; leaving the harsh realities and unforgiving coldness of a misunderstanding world outside, because the great divide into sanctuary made of light and love. The girls were having dinner at the kitchen table, both looked up and neither spoke as the two women entered. Miranda took the red Chanel handbag off her wife, and placed it next to her own on the coat stand. They followed the single light into the kitchen, to find the twins eating grilled cheese on toast. They looked up as the women entered.

"Girls" spoke Miranda "off to bed please"

"grmph-" mumbled Cassidy over her toasted, looking put out at the mere idea of her mother daring to tell the 20 year old to go to bed. She was cut off by her sister's elbows in her ribs.

"Come on Cass, I've a movie I wanna show you."

"Wha-"

"_Now_ Cass"

"Oh" Cassidy looked at her, she looked at her mothers "_Ooooh!"_ She jammed her toast in her mouth, and proceeded to gab the rest of the toast from Caroline's plate. She passed the two women and followed her sister up the stairs. Miranda smirked as she heard Caroline telling her sister off. She entered the doorway of the kitchen, with her wife following closely behind her. She moved to the kettle, flicked it on and filled two coffee cups with grains in one fluid motion. She then retrieved two teaspoons and saucers from her cupboards. She remained with her back to her wife and stared intently at the boiling instrument in front of her. Andrea entered the doorway of the kitchen. The floorboards beneath her creaked. The silence between the two spouses continued. Andrea cleared her throat,. "I'll uh, Ill head up to bed then."

"Yes dear, don't forgot the tablets"

"I won't, um, Miran- Can I- I mean is it okay if-"

Miranda tuned to her wife. "Turn your electric blanket on okay? I don't need you warming your feet on me tonight." Andrea smiled at her, she turned to proceed up the stairs "I'll be up in wee while, I wann go over some stuff for Runway"

"Goodnight Miranda, I love you"

"I love you too Andrea, sweet dreams"

Hours after she heard the water from Andrea's shower stop running, long after the water in the kettle had gone cold, just before the sun began to rise Miranda sat motionless as she had done since saying goodnight. The cool facade of a woman in control was slipping. No longer could she project the image of self assuredness, of someone with all the answers. Her family was in jeopardy. It was obvious she couldn't let Andrea go, she had tried numerous times without success. She was, however, not a woman without limitations. She could not buy her wife a happier mind set, nor could she throw money at the upset that would undoubtedly fall on the twins. Miranda always had been a woman of intelligence, a woman who was never without a plan. For the first time since the twins were born, she was at a loss. Miranda Priestly did not know what to do.


	30. Chapter 30

Morning sunlight streamed through the blinds and gently woke a slumbering Andrea. She groaned and rolled over, to be greeted with her wife's side of the bed. Empty. She ran her hands along the cool sheets, before pushing her face into envelope the fading scent left on Miranda's pillow. After a few minutes she decided to get up. She walked around the bed, took her dressing gown from the back of the door and left the room as she tied the sashay. Looking in on the girls room she noticed both beds were empty. She descended the flight of stairs and barefoot padded along the length of hallway into the editor's study. Miranda looked up from her desk as she watched her wife enter.

"Morning" smiled Andrea

"Morning" Miranda replied with an attempted smile "Sleep Well?"

"Yes, but I missed you"

Miranda looked back down at the paper before her "I had a lot of work to do"

"I understand. Are you going in late today?"

"I took a few days off"

"That's nice, we can do some things as a fam-"

Miranda looked up to her wife again and cut her off with an apology in her eyes "I'm sorry, I have to work, you know what it's like this close to the end f the month" Andrea forced a smile

"That's okay." She remained watching the editor for a few minutes before heading for the door "I'll be back in an hour, am gonna try a new route today, phone me if you want anything collected while am out".

She closed the door to the study behind her. Miranda continued to work in silence until she processed just what Andrea had said.

"no, she couldn't.." she whispered to herself. she laid everything on the desk, including her spectacles and proceeded to follow the path Andrea had just taken. When she reached the bedroom she was greeted by the sight of the younger woman in workout clothes. The brunette looked up as Miranda entered the room.

"Hey Mir-" she began cheerily

"What are you doing?" Miranda spoke in confusion

"I am going out for a run"

"Yes I can see that, my point is _why_"

Andrea attempted a laugh "Sweetheart I always go for a run, you know this"

"I didn't think you would today"

"But I always go, every morning except Sunday"

"Yes, well perhaps not today"

"Miranda, I go every day "

"Yes but everyday isn't the day after you try to kill yourself" snapped the editor. Andrea reacted as though she had been slapped, her body jolted physically and the colour drained from her face.

"I told you Miranda, I did not try to kill myself" she spoke in a low tone

"Semantics"

"No its not, Miranda I would never willingly leave you, you _know_ that"

"That is just stupid"

"What?" spoke Andrea beginning to lose her temper "That I love you?"

"That you are splitting hairs with me!"

"I am not going to leave you!"

"Whether you choose to or not you will leave! I will be a widow, the girls will have lost you, we will have to plan the same funeral, we will have to wear the same black, we will have to tell the same people, we will have to cry the same tears. So truly Andrea whether its because you couldn't bear living your oh so difficult life or because of a medical accident, doesn't matter your death equals the same thing for me, for our girls, for me, for me, for your wife". She crossed her arms and began to pace. "_Why_ is it the same conversation over and over again with you?!"

Andrea reached forward to stop her wife. She massaged the older woman's neck and shoulders. "I promised you I was gonna do my best t stop, and I am. But you have to trust me, this will take time but it _will_ work I promise, believe me."

Miranda refused to meet the younger woman's eyes. "I can't"

"What? believe me?" Andrea used her hands under her wife's chin to pull her gaze up to meet her own.

"Trust you" whispered Miranda.

Andrea closed her eyes as the pain swept across her chest, she opened them again and Miranda saw the unshed tears that glistened in the brown orbs. She knew she couldn't back down.

"okay, what do you need me to do?"

Miranda blinked in surprise. "What?"

"What can I do to help you trust me?"

"Truly?"

"Anything you need, I'll do it."

Miranda wrung her fingers together, she glanced at the carpet below them and back to her wife's eyes. "I want to see the damage."

"No" spoke Andrea

"Andrea.."

"I said no, Miranda!"

"Look you asked what you could do, this is it, this is what I need"

Andrea ground her teeth together, she turned from Miranda. "promise you won't cry?"

"You will not see a tear fall."

Andrea thought for a moment before nodding "Okay, and what else?"

"I want to see your body every night before bed, and I want to know when you feel like cut-cutting, and I want to be there when you do it."

"why?"

"Because"

"Miranda that-"

"Yes or no Andrea"

"Fine" spat the brunette through gritted teeth.

"Andrea, I am not doing this to upset or anger you"

"I know"

he brunette laid her head on the older woman's shoulder and allowed her to sway the two of them. They stood in silence.

Finally Andrea moved. "You want to see?"

Miranda swallowed and nodded. She sat on the edge of the bed, noticing how fast her heart began to race as the brunette slowly unbuttoned her jumper...


	31. Chapter 31

Anyone who has had the pleasure of seeing a woman's body will know it is a beautiful sight. Curves, hills, valleys all come together to create a roadmap of animalistic desire, perpetuated by the steady beat beneath bosoms that have staved off hunger in many babes, and created it in men. Miranda was horny. There will always be a reaction to such a sight. There will always be strong emotions, lust, desire, love, jealousy, such is the curse of a woman's body. Yes she was about to observe the self made damage her wife had conducted, but she was seeing her love's naked body, the smooth silk cream of a swan like neck, a delicate chest that grew into two equally pert peaks, the vast flat terrain of a well toned stomach, a forest of untamed curls and long rivers of milk that ended in ten pools of raspberry fuchsia nail polish. Miranda's mouth was dry. If this had been under any (literally _any_) other circumstances she'd- well y'all are adults you can guess what she'd be doing with her fair wife.

She mentally shook herself out of the lust filled haze that Andrea had created with her nakedness. And as the lust ebbed away, so too did any feelings of romance. They were replaced by fear, dread and if she was being honest, a bit of nausea. She would of course go to her grave with that information. She would never allow her darling brunette to know of the one time in their life she had been nauseated by her beautiful girl.

Andréa for her part refused to look at Miranda. She stood stalk still arms by her side as she bore a hole on the wall just above Miranda's head. aside from her nakedness she could have passed for a soldier with the stiff stance and unashamed, unblinking staring. She waited. She attempted not to guess what her wife was thinning, she knew she would be told. After what felt to be days, she heard Miranda speak in a hush voice.

"The back?"

Andrea said nothing, she placed her right food at a 90 degree angle and pivoted so she had her bare back to her wife. Miranda had expected to see cuts on the bottom of Andréa's legs, maybe even on her thighs. She was not, however, expecting to see the wide expanse of differently aged scars which littered the brunettes back. _How_ had she missed those?!

"A-Andrea?"

The brunette turned only her head to gaze at her wife. She watched as the older woman pointed to her back with a shaking hand, she moved her hand palm forward as if to touch the pink and purple marks, but hastily withdrew it to cover her quivering mouth.

"How?" she all but whispered. Andrea turned again so she had her back to the older woman, she shut her eyes, preparing for the hurt she was to cause the editor, she took deep breath and reached above her head, sliding bobby pins out of her mound of hair that sat at the back of her head.

Miranda watched the delicate hands work swiftly at moving the metal strips from their owner's hair. She gasped in realization and anger as she watched the young journalists hair tumble down her back, towards her waist - and cover all the marks on her back. She fought the urge to reach for the scissors. The silence was loud, the only sound Miranda could hear was the blood and her own heartbeat in her ears. She moved forward to trace the marks lightly with her fingertips. Andrea shivered at the contact, and moved her arms to cover her breasts, maintaining the stance she held. Miranda placed her right hand on Andrea's shoulder and turned the young brunette to face her. She looked at the young woman's stance. The editor peered into her wife's eyes as she gently but firmly took Andréa's arms away from her chest. Andrea resisted for a nano second then complied. Once her hands were by her sides she left them there. Miranda remained looking into the chocolate orbs. Maintaining the contact, she began to unbutton her blouse, she removed it and let it drop to the floor, next came her camisole she used to protect her modesty, her skirt, her shoes until she was left in nothing but her underwear. She turned her back to Andréa and reached for a makeup wipe from her vanity, she proceeded to remove all of her makeup. During this Andréa did not move or speak, the only indication she noticed what her wife was doing was the crinkle of confusion between her eyebrows, she continued to watch her wife.

Miranda turned back to Andréa, took a deep breath and rid herself of her last remaining garments. The two women stood in silence and nakedness, focusing completely on each other. Miranda took Andreas hand and placed it over her heart, she covered it with her own. With her other hand she covered her wife's heart and felts as the rhythmic drumming sped up. Andrea slowly moved to cover Miranda's hand with her own.

"I need you to know I love you, can you tell me you know that?"

"Yes Miranda" whispered Andrea, her gaze fell to the floor. Miranda used her hand to gently guide the younger woman's eyes to meet hers.

"No, look at me, we have to look at each other. This is about honesty, about hiding nothing, just you and me and the naked truth." Andrea swallowed but made no noise. Miranda continued "I know you have been through hell, and I know I will never understand it. Just as you will never understand what it is like to watch your lover, best friend, spouse cause herself deliberate harm. But what I also know is that this is the last chance. I cannot - I _will_ not stand by and watch you self destruct and I will not enable you to do so. I love you, but I wonder often whether you love you. I want you to look at me Andréa, look at my body, the one you have made love to countless times." Andrea's eyes raked up and down the body before her, hunger lit behind her eyelashes, she smirked seductively. "No" Andrea looked confused at hits. "I am not inviting you to make love with me right now, I am asking you to look at me as the mother of the children you love as your own, the woman whom you walked down the aisle to, the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life in happiness with." Andrea continued to watch Miranda in silence. "And I am scared of losing you, I do not want to live the rest of my life without you. Do not break your promise to me Andréa priestly, don't you dare" Miranda's voice began to break. "I am not asking you to get help for me, I am telling you to get help for yourself or your children and I are leaving. This isn't a threat Andrea, you need help and I cannot give it to you.

"I don't want the help" whispered Andrea.

"Why not?" Miranda's voice strained in exasperation

"I'm not crazy Miranda, I'm really not." The young woman began to cry, Miranda made no move to comfort her.

"There's the problem Andrea. This isn't all about you anymore, it's about your family, it is about your children, and the mother of you children. Not about how the world perceives you."

"Ha!" Andréa used her naked arm to wipe at her nose, sniffing she stepped back from her wife. "That's rich! Miss Dragon Lady of Runway who can't go to the front step without her makeup and hair done immaculately"

"And yet here I am before you, naked and makeup less" spoke Miranda matter of factly. She would not be harsh to Andrea, but she was done coddling the young woman, enough was enough. They were going to sort this once and for all.


	32. Chapter 32

Andrea turned her back to her wife and made as if to step away from her.

"Don't turn away from me love."Andrea's shoulders began to shake and her left hand reached to cup her mouth and swallow the sounds that her crying created. Miranda stood her ground, her wife would have to come to her, would have to prove she would work for it. "love?" still Andrea did not move or react to her wife's voice. "Love, you need to listen to me now, you need to show me now that you can trust me and you will come to me. You need to show us both that you can do the work, that you are willing to work for us." Miranda watched as the young woman's shoulders shook harder, her hand no longer able to mask her crying; sobs echoed and bounced off the corners of the room. Andrea turned to face Miranda. Upon seeing the young brunette's face, Miranda fought every fibre within her not to reach forward and coddle her. The editor stood her ground.

"Mir-Mir" Andrea coughed to clear her throat.

"Miranda?"

"Darling?" Andrea stepped forward.

"Help me stop. Help me get better - fix me" sobbing uncontrollably, Andrea launched herself into her wife's arms. Finally she allowed herself to release. The tension of withholding the lies and the secrets and the pressure and the rows and anger and pain and confusion exited in a rush of messy, gross sobs. She sobbed so hard she felt her head would explode. Miranda felt her heart would be ripped out of her chest as she listened to the sounds ripped from her beloved's throat. These were sounds of torture, Andrea sounded like a wounded animal howling its pain to the moon Andrea was sobbing like she would never stop.


	33. Chapter 33

Eventually Andrea did stop, however she was so drained and weak there was no way they could talk, Miranda helped her to bed, tucked her in and kissed her goodnight before turning the light off and exiting the room. Andrea was unconscious before the door of the bedroom had closed.

Miranda retreated to her study. She robotically sat at her desk, where she replayed the last few hours in her head. They had done it, they had finally made a break through. She could feel it, they were on the way. Holding Andrea in silence as they young girl emptied herself of everything had been one of the most intense thing Miranda had done and she was glad it was over. Glad for Andrea and glad for herself. How someone could live with so much pain inside one person amazed her. She sniffed as a lone tear escaped down her cheek. She could almost understand now what had caused Andrea to begin to self harm. She could see the logic. Life was about suffering. It was about pain and sadness. Unfortunately some people got more than their fair share, and it seemed her beautiful wife was one of them. She glanced at the picture on her desk, taken on their wedding day of all four of them and Patricia. Life was also about happiness and love and how you make them outweigh the bad things. Andrea would be okay and so would she. They just had to take one day at a time, had to trust that they could lean on and confide in each other. And continue the rat race that was life; going through the same shit, maybe even the same conversation over and over until it sank in. Just living, just running in circles in this_Mad World_.

I feel this is a good place to end, I am thinking of writing about recovery. I am in my final year in university though so, again it will be sporadic.

The ending of this piece is something that has pleased and upset me. I miss it, and i am in doubt as to whether this is a good place to end it. However, it is amazing to think so much work is finally paying off, and i truly don't think this is the end for this story, i think it is only the beginning.

Thanks for reading guys x.

**"Mad World"**

All around me are familiar faces  
>Worn out places, worn out faces<br>Bright and early for their daily races  
>Going nowhere, going nowhere<p>

Their tears are filling up their glasses  
>No expression, no expression<br>Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow  
>No tomorrow, no tomorrow<p>

And I find it kinda funny  
>I find it kinda sad<br>The dreams in which I'm dying  
>Are the best I've ever had<br>I find it hard to tell you  
>I find it hard to take<br>When people run in circles  
>It's a very, very mad world, mad world<p>

Children waiting for the day they feel good  
>Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday<br>And I feel the way that every child should  
>Sit and listen, sit and listen<p>

Went to school and I was very nervous  
>No one knew me, no one knew me<br>Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson  
>Look right through me, look right through me<p>

And I find it kinda funny  
>I find it kinda sad<br>The dreams in which I'm dying  
>Are the best I've ever had<br>I find it hard to tell you  
>I find it hard to take<br>When people run in circles  
>It's a very, very mad world, mad world<p>

Enlarging your world  
>Mad world<p> 


End file.
